Change?!?

As I sit here this morning thinking about my life, I have lots of things to be thankful for.  I am thankful for my family, my sweet friends who are always there and never let me down, and I am extremely thankful for three amazing kids who are the loves of my life.  I have a job that I truly love and I love the people I work wih every day.  Although, I have so many things to be thankful for, there is still something missing - that one special person to share my life with.   And yes... I thought I had found that person, and just when I think I have it all figured out... it all changes! You see, I do not like change at all - and in the last six years, I have had more change than I have ever wanted.  My whole life has changed - I have gotten a divorce, moved, changed jobs and J graduated and moved out... just to name a few.  So, you would think I would be used to change by now...right??  Not so much, but it seems that the one thing consistent in my life is change.  As I imagine what my life will be like a year from now, the one thing I am hoping for is change!

It's a New Year... again.

As I sit here this morning, reflecting on 2011... all I can say is that I am glad it's over. 2011 has brought a lot of challenges and struggles. It has brought a lot of changes (good & bad) and it has brought a lot of heartache. My kids have gotten another year older - I no longer have kids in elementary school. I now have 2 middle school students and a college freshman. I am now in my 40's... and am officially in my mind getting old. So... a lot of changes have taken place.

J leaving for college was one of the hardest things by far this year. He has been my constant over the last 18 years. He has been what my life has revolved around for as long as I can remember. He is my pride and joy! When you come home after a long day and feel like you are at rock bottom, one bear hug from him and a "I love you Mom", all is right with the world. The days leading up to him leaving were emotional for everyone. We sat & talked, walked down memory lane. C & K were attached to him like they would never see him again. We shopped, gathered together things he would need. We talked about what was expected while he was in college and then we cried. Then the morning came that it was time to move him. He was so excited that I had a hard time being sad. You see, I had spent 18 years teaching him everything I could, and giving him wings and now it was time... time to let him fly! It was so much harder than I expected. As we were packing our cars that morning, and running back and forth trying to make sure nothing was forgotten (which it was), he looked at me and simply said "thank you". I told him no thanks were needed and that I loved him. We then got in cars, and he followed me the whole way to college. When we got there, we walked in his dorm room and we got busy. We started cleaning and unpacking and before you knew it, it was time for me to leave. Yes, actually leave him there and me drive back home and hour and a half. I would no longer be there to make sure he was eating properly, to make sure he had medicine if he was sick. I would not be there to go check on him and watch him sleep, and say a little prayer for him like I had done every night. Yes... I had to get in my car and drive home. We said our goodbyes, gave him one last hug and kiss and then got in my car, started driving home, and cried the whole way! I never knew how hard it would be... now I know that for the next 5 years I have C, I need to truly cherish every moment, because one day you wake up and they are grown.

K has had her own exciting year... she has grown into a lovely young lady. She has started middle school and is trying to figure out exactly who she is. She has the kindest heart and truly wants to live her life according to God's plan. She was baptized on Mother's Day... there was no greater joy than watching her turn her life over to the Lord. She has developed her own "attitude"... which I am assuming comes with middle school girls. She is the sweet one who has the knack for meeting strangers and making friends with them. She went to church camp for the first time (her first overnight camp, away from home). She came back ready to be a witness and share the word of God. She has made great imporovements at school and works very hard to make good grades. She truly earns every grade she gets. She is an inspiration and shows us what determination and perseverance can accompolish.

C has been his normal easy going self, but has had his hurdles too. He is now in the 8th grade, and it is hard to believe that he will be in high school soon. He is playing ball on a travel team and loving every minute. Watching him walk out on a field to play the game he loves, is an amazing feeling. He has developed his own sense of humor and has really come into his own. He has been diagnosed with Celiac Disease this year, and that is proving to be a challenge. But he will be fine, and he will flourish after we figure it all out.

Now... as for me (ugh)! My life has been somewhat of a mess. It has the good parts and the bad parts as well. I started a new job this year, and that has been one of the good parts. It has enabled me to be home with my sweet babies at a decent hour and be back where I should be, involved in every aspect of their life. TK (the boyfriend) and I have been back together since the summer, but that has proved to have it's own challenges. So, I just pray on a daily basis that He will show me His plan, and I will have my heart and mind open to listen and follow it. As I look at the New Year, for me, it is a time of forgiveness. It is a time to look at my mistakes from the past year, look at the people I have hurt, and the people that have hurt me. It is time to let go of the negativity, and forgive. It is time to make some changes to my life, that are for the better. This is a year to hold my kids a little bit closer and hug them a little bit tighter. So... here's to 2012!

Mistakes

Mistakes... now that is a word that will make you think! There are so many kinds of mistakes you can make. You can make mistakes with your kids, you can make mistakes at work, you can make a mistake choosing the wrong paint color. Then, there are the BIG mistakes. The mistakes that can cost you your happiness, and make you wonder if you will EVER find happiness again? Being single, and almost 40 is a challenge to say the least. At this point in my life at least, I am a mom of 3 amazing kids. I am the friend, of the most amazing girl friends anyone could ask for. I am the daughter for unbelieveable parents who love me unconditionally. I am a sister to 2 people who I wish I got to spend more time with. But, most importantly, I am a person who has made my share of mistakes!


I may not always be perfect, and I make mistakes along the way, but I do always try to do what is right. You see, when it comes to matters in love, there is not always a right or a wrong answer. You do, what you think is best for you and your family. You pray that one day, God will send you a Godly man, that will love you for exactly who you are and treat you exactly the way you have always dreamed of being treated. You hope and pray that you are able to let your guard down, and allow that person to get close. You hope that you don't make the same mistakes in this relationship that you have made in the past.

No one can tell you if you are making a mistake when it comes to love. You are the only one who knows who makes your heart skip a beat and who gives you those butterflies. You will know when it is right, and you just simply have to have the courage to stand up for what you believe in, and NEVER settle for anything less that what you think is perfect! When you finally find someone that has all the things you are looking for, and you are lucky enough to have them in your life - do NOT take them forgranted! Love them unconditionally and cherish every moment. Life is too short, not to be happy and in love!

New Year... New Beginnings

Well, I have done it again. 2 1/2 months on neglecting this blog, and here I am again, vowing that I, L.W. , will post on this blog on a regular basis. In theory, I know this sounds easy, but quite honestly... life gets in the way. A lot has happened since my last post in November. Yet again, a seemingly good guy, has disappointed me & let me down. I have started a new job, the holidays have come & gone, and I had the best New Year's Eve EVER!!!! Not to mention, we have had J's football banquet (the last of his high school career). So... where to start???

As you know, I have not been the luckiest person in love. I have had my heart stepped on & broken in half, and dating in your late 30's is not easy! Just when you think you meet a normal, nice guy... you are completely blind sided, and realize that maybe , just maybe, good guys no longer exist. Well... that's where I was, until New Year's Eve. This New Year's Eve was the first time I have actually been out on NYE in forever! I wasn't sitting at home, I wasn't babysitting kids, I was out and I was having a BLAST! There was one guy in particular that I thought was particularly nice. He was nice, he was funny, he was the designated driver, and most importantly, he didn't mind putting up with all of the yahoos there that were drinking. We danced that night. The next day, he was my "friend" on FB, the next week we chatted, then texted... then actually spent some quality time together. I must say... I had the best time! He was a gentleman by far, and he is funny! He makes me laugh, and he can say one simple word, and I grin from ear to ear. He has decided me and my friends are a very harsh group of people. He has figured out that I am an extremely untrusting person, but... I am trusting him (until he gives me a reason not to). We are now 3 weeks into dating, and I am enjoying every minute of it. I am ejoying talking to him, and getting to know him. And, for the first time in a long time, I am hopeful for the future!

Now... my sweet kids! Words cannot express how proud of J I am! There is no greater honor, than to hear the kind words of football coaches and his fellow players, and watch your child be honored for all his accomplishments. Then my sweet K, as we were watching TV this past week, and we were talking about the shooting of the congresswoman in Arizona. She very sweetly says, "Mom, I don't like Obama." I said, "Why?" She said, "First of all, he doesn't believe in Jesus and next... he is simply a Democrat." Wow.... I just had to laugh. She then so sweetly informed my that our family is "Republican only". I am so thankful, at the age of 10... she has her political views figuered out! :) Then, my sweet C. While everyone else is demanding attention, he is simply hanging out, making everyone laugh! The eternal people pleaser & sweetheart!

So, that is all I have for now... but I will leave you with one quote, "dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today". That my friends is what I am doing in 2011. I am living everyday to the fullest & making the most of it!

cautiously optomistic...

You know the feeling when someone makes you smile? Not just the silly grinning you do, but when you truly smile from the inside out. That is the feeling I have this morning. This is something I have not had in a really long time! It seems that someone can make you smile and give you hope when you least expect it. You see, I don't expect a whole lot out of anyone. I simply want the little things in life. I want to be excited at the end of the day when I hear the garage door open. I want to have coffee with someone in the morning, that I think is the world's best. I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I want this person to be perfect in my eyes! I want to love them with all my heart, and I want them to love me! So, after talking to a friend last night, for the first time in a really long time, I am cautiously optomistiic!

Enough about me... now on to my kids. At this house, football season is officially over. J had a great game last week, in the last game of his high school football career. He had 5 receptions for 97 yards, and a touchdown. As the season ended, it was bittersweet. It is the end of one chapter in his life. We have also submitted college applications. I know we have to give our kids wings, but it is really hard to let them fly! For a really long time, it has been just me & J. The thought of him not being here with me next year, makes me sad. You see, he is only 17, but he is my best friend. We have grown up together in his life, and I could not be more proud of him. He is truly my best accomplishment in life.

I ran into C's math teacher in the grocery last week. He informed me that I had a "brilliant math kid". I was very quick to assure him that he did not get those math skills from me. It's always a good feeling to get compliments on your kids. K on the other hand has lots of things going on. She auditioned for select choir at school and made it. She also auditioned for singing & dancing parts at church in the Christmas program. She got those parts as well, and has 2 solos, and a dancing part.

As we get closer to Thanksgiving, I am reminded about all of the things I have to be thankful for! I have 3 perfect kids, who I love more than life itself.... they are the loves of my life!

the more things chage... the more they stay the same!

Well, a lot has happened in a couple of weeks. Just when you think you might be getting your life back, and you are back on your feet, it always seems the rug is pulled from underneath you! Why??? I must ask, why can't it be simple?? You see, the ex and I have been dating, and he had been on a guys trip. He was fine before he left, everything was going well, I thought we were making progress. Obviously, I am stupid! He comes back from being gone, and is a completely different person. Then I get the "I need to find me" speech before I can make anyone else happy. I don't ever want to hurt you and the kids again! Well, guess what big guy, you have! Fast forward 10 days, and everything is hunky dory again! I wish someone could please tell me when the crap do I get my happily ever after!! Oh well, moving on to more important things... my kids!

Last night was Senior Night for J and the last home game of his high school football career. It is so hard to believe that he is a senior, and I am going to have to let him go. I watch these boys go out on the field every week to play the game that they love. I can honestly say, that J leaves his heart on the field at the end of every game. I can also say it is completely heart breaking to watch these boys play their hearts out and not get the results on the scoreboard that they deserve. This is a special group of senior boys. They are all good, Christian young men that all have a special place in my heart. They have a bond that is like no other. They truly have each other's back in any and every situation, and they are a family. These boys have been such a huge part of my life over the last 4 years, it is hard to imagine my life without them in it every week. I have had the privilege of getting to know and love each one of these boys, and couldn't be more thankful for that opportunity!

As I try to imagine my life with C & K, next year... it is very hard. To think that we will be home, and J will have gone off to start another chapter in his life. I know I must give him wings, but it is so very hard to let him fly!

uuugghhhh!!! and aaaawwwww :)

This is almost a new record... twice in one week! Oh well, I figure if I have something to say, it is better to go ahead and say it! Where to start?? Well, let's start with the dating life. As I have mentioned previously, I have been datting my ex. There are days, I question my judgement, then there are days I know I am doing the right thing. Now, I know that every relationship has ups and downs, but tonight I am just completely frustrated!! He has been out of town since Thursday, and I have not talked to him at all. I am sure he sees this as "no big deal", but when someone says, "I will talk to you tomorrow", I (stupid little me) assume they mean exactly that. I will talk to them tomorrow. So, tomorrow has come and gone and another tomorrow has come and gone, and I have NOTHING!!! I know we all need our time away, I know we all need to have fun, but however, I am completely frustrated by this. So now the big question is... do I say something about this, or let it slide?? Oh well... I guess I will sleep on this one, and decide in the morning. Now, on to more important things... my kids!!

Friday night was one of the biggest football games of the season for J. He is a senior, and we were playing our cross town rivals. I do not like to lose, and despise being on teams that do lose. I believe everyone should play with 1,000% all the time, and with 5,000% heart. If you do those things, you will always come out a winner, no matter what the score board says. I cannot tell you how proud I am of my #6. When he steps out on the field, to play the game he loves, he gives 1,000% and plays with 5,000% heart. He is truly a leader on and off the field, and has turned into a wonderful young man.

C & K went to stay with my father-in-law today, the first time since Nana has been gone. I was worried about how the day was going to go. Not that Papa is not capable of taking care of them, but they have always had Nana there for entertainment. I knew this would be a strange day. So... they were given a lecture about not fighting, and having to get along and help Papa. I got there this afternoon, and once again was extremely proud of these little guys. They worked all day helping Papa and Aunt C cleaning out the pantry, closets and some of Nana's things. They did it all without anyone asking, and were happy to help! Once again, I was reminded of the great kids I have!

So, just when you think all your kids do is argue and fight... no worries. Give them a little credit. They will always surprise you and make you the proudest mom on earth!