cautiously optomistic...

You know the feeling when someone makes you smile? Not just the silly grinning you do, but when you truly smile from the inside out. That is the feeling I have this morning. This is something I have not had in a really long time! It seems that someone can make you smile and give you hope when you least expect it. You see, I don't expect a whole lot out of anyone. I simply want the little things in life. I want to be excited at the end of the day when I hear the garage door open. I want to have coffee with someone in the morning, that I think is the world's best. I don't really care what anyone else thinks, I want this person to be perfect in my eyes! I want to love them with all my heart, and I want them to love me! So, after talking to a friend last night, for the first time in a really long time, I am cautiously optomistiic!

Enough about me... now on to my kids. At this house, football season is officially over. J had a great game last week, in the last game of his high school football career. He had 5 receptions for 97 yards, and a touchdown. As the season ended, it was bittersweet. It is the end of one chapter in his life. We have also submitted college applications. I know we have to give our kids wings, but it is really hard to let them fly! For a really long time, it has been just me & J. The thought of him not being here with me next year, makes me sad. You see, he is only 17, but he is my best friend. We have grown up together in his life, and I could not be more proud of him. He is truly my best accomplishment in life.

I ran into C's math teacher in the grocery last week. He informed me that I had a "brilliant math kid". I was very quick to assure him that he did not get those math skills from me. It's always a good feeling to get compliments on your kids. K on the other hand has lots of things going on. She auditioned for select choir at school and made it. She also auditioned for singing & dancing parts at church in the Christmas program. She got those parts as well, and has 2 solos, and a dancing part.

As we get closer to Thanksgiving, I am reminded about all of the things I have to be thankful for! I have 3 perfect kids, who I love more than life itself.... they are the loves of my life!

the more things chage... the more they stay the same!

Well, a lot has happened in a couple of weeks. Just when you think you might be getting your life back, and you are back on your feet, it always seems the rug is pulled from underneath you! Why??? I must ask, why can't it be simple?? You see, the ex and I have been dating, and he had been on a guys trip. He was fine before he left, everything was going well, I thought we were making progress. Obviously, I am stupid! He comes back from being gone, and is a completely different person. Then I get the "I need to find me" speech before I can make anyone else happy. I don't ever want to hurt you and the kids again! Well, guess what big guy, you have! Fast forward 10 days, and everything is hunky dory again! I wish someone could please tell me when the crap do I get my happily ever after!! Oh well, moving on to more important things... my kids!

Last night was Senior Night for J and the last home game of his high school football career. It is so hard to believe that he is a senior, and I am going to have to let him go. I watch these boys go out on the field every week to play the game that they love. I can honestly say, that J leaves his heart on the field at the end of every game. I can also say it is completely heart breaking to watch these boys play their hearts out and not get the results on the scoreboard that they deserve. This is a special group of senior boys. They are all good, Christian young men that all have a special place in my heart. They have a bond that is like no other. They truly have each other's back in any and every situation, and they are a family. These boys have been such a huge part of my life over the last 4 years, it is hard to imagine my life without them in it every week. I have had the privilege of getting to know and love each one of these boys, and couldn't be more thankful for that opportunity!

As I try to imagine my life with C & K, next year... it is very hard. To think that we will be home, and J will have gone off to start another chapter in his life. I know I must give him wings, but it is so very hard to let him fly!

uuugghhhh!!! and aaaawwwww :)

This is almost a new record... twice in one week! Oh well, I figure if I have something to say, it is better to go ahead and say it! Where to start?? Well, let's start with the dating life. As I have mentioned previously, I have been datting my ex. There are days, I question my judgement, then there are days I know I am doing the right thing. Now, I know that every relationship has ups and downs, but tonight I am just completely frustrated!! He has been out of town since Thursday, and I have not talked to him at all. I am sure he sees this as "no big deal", but when someone says, "I will talk to you tomorrow", I (stupid little me) assume they mean exactly that. I will talk to them tomorrow. So, tomorrow has come and gone and another tomorrow has come and gone, and I have NOTHING!!! I know we all need our time away, I know we all need to have fun, but however, I am completely frustrated by this. So now the big question is... do I say something about this, or let it slide?? Oh well... I guess I will sleep on this one, and decide in the morning. Now, on to more important things... my kids!!

Friday night was one of the biggest football games of the season for J. He is a senior, and we were playing our cross town rivals. I do not like to lose, and despise being on teams that do lose. I believe everyone should play with 1,000% all the time, and with 5,000% heart. If you do those things, you will always come out a winner, no matter what the score board says. I cannot tell you how proud I am of my #6. When he steps out on the field, to play the game he loves, he gives 1,000% and plays with 5,000% heart. He is truly a leader on and off the field, and has turned into a wonderful young man.

C & K went to stay with my father-in-law today, the first time since Nana has been gone. I was worried about how the day was going to go. Not that Papa is not capable of taking care of them, but they have always had Nana there for entertainment. I knew this would be a strange day. So... they were given a lecture about not fighting, and having to get along and help Papa. I got there this afternoon, and once again was extremely proud of these little guys. They worked all day helping Papa and Aunt C cleaning out the pantry, closets and some of Nana's things. They did it all without anyone asking, and were happy to help! Once again, I was reminded of the great kids I have!

So, just when you think all your kids do is argue and fight... no worries. Give them a little credit. They will always surprise you and make you the proudest mom on earth!

A few things....

Well, it has been a month since I have blogged. I promised I would do better, but... not so much! It just seems that when you get ahead, just a little, something always happens to push you way far back. I guess it is just called life! This past month has been a very emotional month. My sweet mother-in-law (well, technically ex mother-in-law), lost her battle with cancer on Septemeber 22. My dad is still fighting the fight, and doing very well. My oldest is almost half way through his senior year, and... I just simply seem to cry all the time! You know, I have never been much of a crier, but here lately, I am just one big weepy mess!

Well, now an update on the..... "dating life". I am spending more and more time with my ex these days, and things seem to be going well. The one thing I have learned not to ask him about is us! He does not like to talk about it, so I am left to use my imagination, which is not really a good thing. You see, imaginations can go way wild! I am trying to accept everything for what it is and take it day by day. Although, sometimes it is really hard, when all I really want to do is scream, " I NEED SOME ANSWERS!" So, I am learning patience!

I make a promise right now, to blog more regularly, for all my thousands of readers out there (really??? I don't even think there is one). Until next time....

Dating 101

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged. Somehow, life has gotten in the way, and I just haven't quite had time to sit down and write. I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past several months... not all of them good, but changes none the less. So... here we go, we will start with the first!

When you are married, and you go through a divorce, it is extremely hard to go back to the single, dating world. You finally decided you will. You make it thru your first rounds of the crazies, and then you finally find someone who might be Mr. Right. You let your guard down, open up, and become vulerable. Only to find out eventually, that they don't know how to be completely truthful, even if it hit them in the face. So... you break up, and attempt to move on with life again. As you date, you realize there are all kinds out there. There are the ones who you like, but will never committ. There are the ones that simply don't have time the time to invest in a relationship, some openly admit it, some don't. I admire the ones who let you know up front, they are the ones you remain friends with and you respect. Then you have the ones that just want to be "friends with benefits" (for lack of a more unappropriate word)... but, really??? I want more than that. As if trying to navigate the dating world isn't hard enough, you then are trying to figure out if the can ever be "daddy material". Will they ever love your kids like there own? Then, you have your ex-husband. I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. So, you see.... I will start from the beginning.

When I was 16, I met my husband. We started dating when I was in high school and we never really looked back. We might break up, but we would always figure it out and get back together. We would make it through anything, or so I thought. So... when we started having marital problems, I was at a lost. We were not working this one out. We separated, with the deal, we would work it out... no matter what!! Then, came the girlfriend. Within a short amount of time, he was dating, she was there all the time, then over a while she moved in (the house that I built), and they were engaged! Needless to say... I was heart broken... AGAIN!!! I had dated several people, but it just didn't work. One even had the audacity to tell me it never would work, because I was still in love with my ex. Apparently, he knew more than I did! Anyhoo... I watched their relationship as it progressed, and I was angry. Angry that he chose her over me, angry he was making changes for her that I had been asking for years. I constantly tried to figure out why I wasn't good enough. Well... their wedding was scheduled for April (I was sick to my stomach over it), and what do you know.... he called the wedding off! He called me to let me know that they were having problems, and the wedding was postponed... forever! I must admit, I giggled after I got off the phone. I got a great deal of pleasure in this failed relationship. Now, I'm not saying that is right, I am normally really nice. But, in this case, I giggled the whole way home. So... since I communicate better when I write, I wrote him a letter.

As time has gone on, over the last several months, we have spent lots of time together. We have talked about things that we never talked about before. We have talked about things that happened in our marriage, and why they happened. Our kids have thoroughly enjoyed have their mom & dad together again. However, our kids are very aware we are "just friends" and we are simply "hanging out". No false hope has been given, but we are taking things slow, and seeing what might happen. And.. for the first time in a long time, I am hopeful for the future!

Spring Break

Well, as I sit here writing this now. I have a dog barking, one kid screaming "shut up" at the dog, and another sceaming at me beacause I need his help this afeternoon. Thankfully, the 3rd kid, is at a friends house for the afternoon and to spend the night. You see, my kids have been out of school on spring break since April 2nd. Yep... you heard it right - April 2nd. Now... they do not even go back to school until April 19th.... really??? Is it really necessary for them to be out of school 17 days?? I think not!! Although, the first week was great. Everyone was happy to be home. Week 2... not so much! Everyone is now bored, and doesn't have anything to do. I can't even comprehend how we have nothing to do around here. I mean - there is an XBox 360, a Wii, a PSP, a couple of Nintendo DS, then you also have a basketball goal, 4-wheeler & bikes. So I ask you, does that sound like there is nothing to do? I didn't even mention then fact that there is laundry to be done, rooms to be cleaned... I promise, there is plenty to do! So, with all that being said... I cannot wait to take my kids to school on Monday morning and simply go to work! Who knew??

Really?? REALLY!!

As every single mom knows, when your kids go to their dad's, it is like going on a mini-vacation. There are no manners, no boundaries and no rules. So... when they come home after their weekend in "Disney Dad Land", it is really hard on us, the mom! Reality has to set back in. "Yes, you have to follow the rules", "Yes, you must say yes ma'am". I mean really?? Is this too much to ask that they follow the same rules and actually use their manners at their dads? Anyhow, back to my point. My two little ones come home on Monday morning, after a weekend with their dad, and from the looks of it, Christmas has happened again! Yet, I thought it was Valentine's Day. Really... they come home with bags - of gifts. DS games, sketch books, books to read, candy, and that is just to name a few. Now.... do you say I love you by buying them everything they ever wanted? One would think not... however, this is exactly what happened!

So... as I think about what I got them for Valentine's Day, my first thought was "they are really going to be disappointed". You see, I am a single mom, with three kids, and this year we are just not rolling in the dough. So... I thought what better gift than to tell them how much they are loved. I mean, isn't this what it is really all about anyway? So, I wrote them each a letter... here is the one to my oldest.

Today is Valentine’s Day. I just wanted to take the time and let you know how very proud of you that I am. I could not have hand picked a better son if I had tried. You came into my life, when I was very young, and I did not think I was ready. The day you were born, you stole my heart and have had it ever since. You are the joy of my life and I have so enjoyed watching you grow up into the young man you have become. In a way, we have grown up together. I had no idea what to do with a baby, and we figured it out together. We may have bumps along the way, but I want you to know that I am always on your side. I have made lots of mistakes, but know that you have always been loved with 1,000% of my heart. You fill my heart with joy and pride every time I look at you!
When I watch you step out on a baseball or football field my heart overflows with pride. As I watch you play the games that you love – there is not a prouder mom out there. You give 100% on the ball field and I always want you to give 100% in life. If you do that, there is nothing you will not succeed at!
One day you will have a girlfriend, and eventually get married. I hope and pray that she is as good to you as you deserve. One day soon you will be grown up and move out on your own, and although it will break my heart to see you go. I know that you will go, and will be successful. You deserve nothing but the best life has to offer. You are the kindest and most caring young man. You are the light of my life. Always have been and always will be. I thank God every day for giving me the most perfect son. I hope I have given you half as much joy as you have given me.
Happy Valentine’s Day baby! I love you!
Love,
Mom

As everyone was reading their letters, there was not a dry eye. Every single one of those precious babies thanked me and told me they loved me, like I had given them a million dollars. My oldest (almost 17), wrapped his big arms around me and said, "Mom, this is better than any gift you could have ever given me". So, next Valentines Day, I would encourage everyone to tell the people you love, just how much you love them. Life is too short, not to let them know they are loved every day!

Weekend of .... Valentine's

Well, for any of you who are single, and dread Valentine's day every year. It is here...again! The holiday where the retail stores try to make everyone feel like they need someone, and it is a lovey dovey mess. You walk into a store, and everything in there is pink and red, full of hearts, and all the I love you stuff. Not that I am not a fan of being in a relationship. But, who says you have to be in a relationship to be happy? Why can't I just be happy being alone? Do I have to be with someone to be happy... the answer is NO! I was married for 11 years, and was happy for a long time. But somewhere, in my marriage, I lost myself. I was so consumed by being the perfect wife and the perfect mother, that I forgot to be the perfect me! In the immediate months after my divorce was final, I was almost consumed with finding the next Mr. Right. It was emotionally exhausting and draining. I finally figure out that no Mr. Right was going to make me happy. I had to do that on my own. So, 2 1/2 years after my divorce, I am completely happy sitting here with my 3 kids and my dog.

The other thing that has been re-emphasized post divorce is the importance of friends! Those girlfriends that have been around forever and love you no matter what. Those girlfriends, who have seen you at your best and still love you at your worst. They are the ones that when you have a bad week, one phone call and "Fun Friday" is scheduled. My girlfriend K and I have come to love our "Fun Fridays". There is nothing like ending the week, either good or bad, with lots of laughs and a good time being had by all!

So... if you have found your prince charming and have your "happily ever after", I am so happy for you! As for me right now... I am simply happy being with me!

One of those days....

Have you ever just had one of those days, that you just want to simply end? You want to erase it from your memory, and act like it never happened? Well.... I have not just had one of those days, I have had one of those weeks! The kids FINALLY went back to school yesterday, after five thousand snow days (not really five thousand, just felt like it), and life has returned to some sort of normalcy. My oldest son was given a curfew citation, earlier in the week, because he was standing outside of his friends house, talking to other friends. Now honestly... he was not running all over town, he wasn't smoking pot, not drinking... just simply talking! Please tell me all the Small Town USA police officers, why? I know there is not a lot of action, but really? REALLY? why bother teenagers that are basically good kids hanging out talking? I am very frustrated by this event, not to mention the other s&*% that has come along with it. Now, we will go to court, pay court costs, and spend a jillion dollars, because he was standing outside of his friends' house talking! Crazy I say... crazy!!! Enough of the kids...

As I sit and write this, I wonder if one single person has ever read this. Not really sure, but I will continue on because if nothing else, it is a great place to vent and get all my anger out and really not piss anyone off! So...we will move on to the dating life, or lack thereof! After my divorce (2 1/2 years ago) i was convinced, that I would find Mr. Right. As a matter of fact, last year I was pretty sure I had found him. Then, here comes the controlling ex-wife. As you can only imagine. They had been divorced/separated longer than I had, she had left him on a couple of occasions, kicked him out of the house, and was happy he was gone. Then, he starts dating (me, of course). Crazy (the ex-wife) has now decided she wants him back and will go to any and all lengths to get him to come home. After faithfully trying, and not succeeding for months... she decides she doesn't need him after all because guess what ... she can make our "new, perfect dating life" hell! Yep... I said it. She was out to make us miserable. After months of us going back and forth, fighting over her and the way she controls and manipulates him, I said the magic words,"I'm done!"

As I met the girls for drinks last week, I had decided that no longer would I be looking for "Mr. Right" I now would be looking for "Mr. Right Now". My goal for the remainder of this year is to have a big time at everything I do! I am going to officially make this the year for having fun!! So, to anyone who is single, I would encourage you to look for "Mr. Right Now" while you are waiting on "Mr. Right" to come along!

Snow Days.....Will they ever end?

Well, here we are on a Wednesay, the 4th snow day! Any of you know that if you get a 1/2 inch of snow in Tennessee, it pretty much shuts the whole state down. Now imagine getting 4 inches!!! The school board closed school on Thursday night because we were supposed to get snow early Friday. Yes... you heard me correctly. It was supposed to snow on Friday. So, the kids get all excited. I have 7 kids at my house Thursday night, preparing for their day of snow. We wake up Friday morning, and you guessed it... no snow!!! We all sit around patiently (well, maybe not so patiently) and wait on the snow. It finally moves in that afternoon...and yes, we get to play in the snow for a whole weekend! We are out of school on Monday (understanable), Tuesday (questionable) and now today, Wednesday (in my opinion, not necessary). I must say, my kids have had a blast! Momma's Kitchen has been open 24 hours a day for the past 5 days, and I am exhausted and ready for them to go to school!! Anyone who is a single mom knows, that sometimes you just need a break! I am severely in need of one now!!!

Honesty... is it too much to ask?

Ok, all you single moms out there. Honestly, where do you find a good man that is honest, that has integrity, and is not a liar?!? I am absolutely amazed at the lines some people will feed you. I mean really - you are out dancing and a guy comes up and says, " Do you wanna dance? I have a girlfriend but she says I can dance with you because you are beatuiful." REALLY??? How long did it take him to come up with that, and why did he think it would work. Then the next question was, "Can you put your number in my phone?". Please go back and look at the first question.... he has a girlfriend! Is this all we have to look forward to when you are dating and you are close to 40? If so... we are in big trouble! I understand that good men are few and far between, but is it so hard to expect that you might find one that is "kind of good"? It never ceases to amaze me at the number of slime bags out there.

You find the man of your dreams, you fall in love and you think you will finally get your happily ever after. Then... you figure out that the ex-wife is controlling and manipulative and he is never going to be allowed to be happy, because it is her mission in life to make him pay for divorcing her. So, tell me this, why does anyone think that this behavior is ok? And why is the ex-wife allowed to get away with it? When is she accountable for her part of the failed marriage and her actions? Why can't we all be honest, and accept what has happened and move on?

All any of us want is our fair tale ending. Our "happily ever after". So, as I continue to weed through the slime bags one at a time, I will still be holding my breath waiting for my own prince charming.

Well, this has been a busy week. Tonight, we had our football banquet to celebrate our 2009 season. It is very hard to believe another year has gone by, and that my baby, is one year closer to graduating and moving on. He is a junior this year, and it seems like yesterday he was starting kindergarten. Every year seems to go by quicker. I feel like I missed out on so much of his life - wishing he would crawl, then wishing he would walk & talk. Then it was, I couldn't wait for kindergarten to start. Then all of sudden, you wake up one day, and you want all those days back! You want to go back in time and start over, because you realize they are almost grown and gone. What I would not give, to have some of those times back!

So... to all you moms out there, my words of wisdom, are to enjoy and cherish every moment you have while they are little. They grow up too fast, and they do not understand that they will always be our babies!

The Beginning

A blog... this is the one thing I never thought I would do. I am not even sure I understand why you blog, but for me... here it is. I am a single mom of 3 and live in "everyday America". I have 3 terrific kids, but let's face it - everyone has their share of drama and shenanigans. As a single mom, you face all kinds of things along the way. You are the mom, the dad, the money-maker, the disciplinarian, the good guy and the bad guy. You are the shoulder to cry on, the person to throw things at, the only one around to scream at. You are also, the one who gets all the joy and the love from those little people running around, that makes everything else I mentioned before worth while. I figure if I have all of this craziness going on in my everyday life, then some others might be going through the same craziness, just trying to make sense of it as well. Maybe me letting all my mistakes be known, just might help another mom not make the same ones along the way. Maybe this will let someone know, that they are doing a good job with their kids, and it might just give them a little hope that it will all work out in the end. Or just maybe, someone out there, might be able to give me some advice along the way (which I promise to listen to and consider, even if I don't agree).

So, this is how the "Shenanigans of a Single Mom" began. I will keep you updated as I try to juggle my 3 crazy kids, work, my "dating life" (or should I say "lack of dating life") , and everything in between. I can promise you it will not be perfect, but it will be real and more than likely entertaining. So.... we are now ready for a new year to begin. Bring on 2010!